


I guess I don’t know the full intricacies of this crocodile story, but if you put a gun to my head and made me choose, I’d probably say it was less noble of a cause than true love.

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24707578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave and Dirk talk before a battle.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 44
Kudos: 210





	I guess I don’t know the full intricacies of this crocodile story, but if you put a gun to my head and made me choose, I’d probably say it was less noble of a cause than true love.

**Author's Note:**

> Dirk Strider? In _my_ itsdave timeline? It’s more likely than you think.

DAVE: this is dumb im not making any sense  
DAVE: lemme start over  
DAVE: ok lets say  
DAVE: way back whenever  
DAVE: howww  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: how did you tell your friends  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: Look, I don't want to assume or overstep any bounds here or anything...  
DAVE: naw youre cool dont worry  
DIRK: Okay then.  
DIRK: In that case, I’m guessing this has to do with what you were saying earlier?  
DIRK: About how you spent a lot of time with people who cared about you?  
DAVE: yeah i mean  
DAVE: i was talking in slightly general terms  
DAVE: like there were several people on that big dumb rock who id have no problem at all calling my closest friends  
DAVE: but i guess it wouldnt be totally crazy for you to pick up on the fact that  
DAVE: there was one person  
DAVE: in particular  
DAVE: who while hes definitely my friend in fact hes far and away the best friend ive ever had dont tell john  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: pretty much  
DAVE: all the things you said  
DAVE: or really didnt say just kinda wordlessly implied and let me fill in in this stupid roundabout way that has so many words in it its somehow even worse than wordless  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: yeah  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: I figured.  
DIRK: I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t notice you guys saying goodbye to each other.  
DIRK: Like it wasn’t flashy or anything but,  
DIRK: Uh...  
DAVE: haha i guess it wasnt exactly your average casual bro goodbye either  
DAVE: cant really blame you for pickin up on the vibes there  
DAVE: sigh  
DIRK: Hey.  
DIRK: I’m sorry if I like,  
DIRK: Made that weird or anything.  
DIRK: Not that it wouldn’t be a little weird no matter what.  
DIRK: I mean what exactly is the right way to approach a situation like that?  
DAVE: if there is one man id love to see it  
DAVE: just so i could say what the fuck this ways not right either who are we tryna fool this sucks  
DIRK: Heh.  
DIRK: Yeah, but all the same, I guess I could have made it...  
DIRK: Wronger?  
DIRK: Just by being there and being, you know, me.  
DIRK: This big looming and distracting presence.  
DIRK: Which I suppose I’m still doing right now.  
DIRK: Fuck.  
DIRK: You don't want to, like, go back, do you?  
DAVE: ug no  
DAVE: i think this is kind of better  
DAVE: like it is distracting but probably in a different way that when all is said and done is actually better for me  
DAVE: if we were still together right now wed just be agonizing all counting down the seconds til the action starts  
DAVE: and yeah i know this whole feelings jam isnt exactly action packed  
DAVE: but it does definitely feel different  
DAVE: it feels like something new is happening at least  
DIRK: Yeah, I think I get that.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: His name’s Karkat, right?  
DAVE: uh yeah  
DAVE: i didnt think you guys talked to each other  
DAVE: how did you...  
DIRK: You’ve actually brought him up a few times over the course of our conversation.  
DAVE: oh  
DIRK: I don’t know if you noticed.  
DAVE: haha yeah i pretty much didnt  
DAVE: well shit i guess when youve been with somebody this long  
DAVE: not even in a dating sense  
DAVE: but just having them as this constant presence and perpetual sounding board for any and all thoughts and opinions  
DAVE: the first time youre away from them youre probably just gonna bring them up without even thinking huh  
DAVE: its like a phantom limb but  
DAVE: yknow  
DAVE: a whole person  
DAVE: and instead of feeling like it should be able to grab something  
DAVE: youre just standing there wondering aloud if it would think this sandwich youre eating is gross  
DAVE: or if it can remember the name of the song you got stuck in your head  
DIRK: I don’t think I’ve ever heard it described like that.  
DAVE: yeah well  
DIRK: How long have you two, um...  
DAVE: been friends?  
DAVE: the whole time minus like two stupid days in the beginning  
DAVE: but actually matesprits slash boyfriends?  
DAVE: a sweep  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: sorry  
DAVE: a little over two years  
DIRK: Oh, no, it’s fine.  
DIRK: I’m actually acutely aware of how long a sweep is.  
DAVE: oh dang thats right youre from the troll future times  
DAVE: i dont gotta give you the generic earth equivalence or anything youre way on top of that shit  
DIRK: I am so on top of that shit.  
DIRK: Honestly more so than I ever would have wanted to be.  
DAVE: fuck im sorry  
DIRK: No, it’s cool.  
DIRK: In fact maybe against literally all the odds it’ll wind up paying off, because now I can actually talk to some real live trolls who aren’t trying to conquer me.  
DIRK: And they’ll have some context for whatever the fuck I’m saying.  
DAVE: haha yeah  
DAVE: its like youve been studying a foreign language your whole life  
DAVE: just slavin away at your french conjugation  
DAVE: learnin how to pronounce croque monsieur just right  
DAVE: and now for the very first time ever youre hoppin off a plane  
DAVE: a baguette in each hand and a third one in your mouth  
DAVE: makin a beeline for the eiffel tower  
DIRK: I mean... at the risk of sounding like a total fucking weirdo, that's more or less what English was like for me five months ago.  
DAVE: oh shit  
DIRK: Yeah wow, when I say that out loud it sounds extra like what a total fucking weirdo would say.  
DAVE: what no thats not true  
DIRK: Eh, it is, but it’s fine.  
DIRK: It is what it is.  
DAVE: i guess that is definitely a sentence that cant be argued against  
DAVE: and in real spoken english and everything  
DAVE: nicely played  
DIRK: Some say tautology is the weapon of the weak.  
DIRK: To which I say “naw, man.”  
DAVE: ahahaha  
DIRK: Shit, we got kind off topic there.  
DIRK: You were telling me about Karkat.  
DAVE: no its cool i dont wanna bore you with my sappy relationship junk you dont wanna hear that  
DIRK: I kind of do, though, if that's okay.  
DIRK: I’m curious.  
DIRK: It sounds like he’s a big part of your life.  
DAVE: yeah especially for the past three years that is like a huge understatement  
DIRK: So out of three years, you’ve actually been “together” for a sweep?  
DAVE: yep exactly  
DAVE: and no i dont mean that as just a colorful affirmation  
DAVE: i mean exactly exactly  
DIRK: Wait.  
DIRK: What?  
DAVE: yep  
DAVE: its been 790 days  
DAVE: as of today  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: So today’s...  
DAVE: haha yeah  
DAVE: its our big sweepiversary  
DAVE: it is a hell of a way to celebrate let me tell you  
DAVE: and before you ask no we definitely did not plan this shit  
DAVE: in fact all things considered if wed taken the time to work out the math i think we both wouldve agreed to pick a different night to clumsily and spontaneously start making out in the middle of my best friends girl  
DAVE: i think we both wouldve liked to avoid this if we could  
DIRK: Shit.  
DAVE: especially karkat i mean the dude is all about big sweet romantic gestures he must hate the fact that were not together right now its probably killing him  
DIRK: Oh man.  
DIRK: Look.  
DIRK: There’s still probably some time before the fighting starts.  
DIRK: We could still go.  
DIRK: Or no  
DIRK: I mean not _we_ obviously  
DIRK: You could still go  
DIRK: And like...  
DAVE: no really its cool  
DAVE: we should stay  
DAVE: we already like  
DAVE: officially said goodbye last night  
DIRK: Oh.  
DAVE: yeah it was  
DAVE: a whole thing  
DAVE: that i kind of dont think either of us is tripping over ourselves to go through again  
DIRK: Shit.  
DIRK: Let’s talk about something else.  
DAVE: no i kind of  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: as crazy as it sounds i kind of WANT to talk about it  
DAVE: if thats ok  
DIRK: Yeah, of course.  
DAVE: i mean shit i dont wanna put this on you  
DAVE: especially since you got all your own dicey relationship stuff goin on  
DIRK: No, seriously.  
DIRK: Tell me if you want.  
DIRK: That’s what I’m, uh... here for?  
DAVE: haha i mean i already just fuckin pile drived you with ten tons of pent up issues you didnt deserve  
DAVE: and you are WAY less involved in this stuff  
DAVE: you are so not on the hook for this  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: No, I just mean if you want to talk.  
DIRK: About anything.  
DIRK: I’m here to listen.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ok  
DIRK: Okay?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: so  
DAVE: im the time guy right  
DIRK: I gathered as much.  
DAVE: yep thats why i got this dumb gear on my stylish god tier top  
DAVE: like weve accepted that time is this weird nebulous thing thats constantly branching and realigning and looping back on itself its very possibly the fabric of all existence  
DAVE: but were still representing it with a fucking gear like in an analog clock which was already pretty much getting phased out in my era i donno about in your alternate future times or anything  
DIRK: Uh, yeah.  
DIRK: I pretty much just used the digital display in my shades.  
DAVE: haha yeah there you go  
DAVE: anyway to mercifully smother a really dumb tangent under the pillow of plot advancement  
DAVE: the point is that i havent actually done any time traveling at all in the past three years  
DAVE: because its so much more goddamn trouble than its worth  
DAVE: its horrible and stressful and just so needlessly complicated and if you do it wrong everyone dies  
DAVE: and especially since ive started actually having people i care about  
DAVE: and a life i want to keep living  
DAVE: ive become way more cognizant of not wanting to do irresponsible stuff that fucks it all up you know  
DIRK: I think that makes a lot of sense.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: so  
DAVE: i havent done it  
DAVE: not even once since the game  
DAVE: but as the end of our trip kept getting closer and closer  
DAVE: i kinda got it into my head that like  
DAVE: maybe i could just do it once  
DAVE: stop time for a little while  
DAVE: on that last night  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: for everything but us  
DIRK: So you could have more time together.  
DAVE: yeah  
DIRK: Damn.  
DAVE: yep damn pretty much sums that plan up i guess  
DIRK: I mean, I meant that as a good damn.  
DAVE: ha  
DIRK: In case that wasn’t clear.  
DAVE: naw i get it  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: yeah so that was my plan  
DAVE: and i was really probably gonna go ahead with it  
DAVE: like i was talkin myself into it  
DAVE: it sure seemed like a noble cause  
DAVE: way more than just making money on the fucking crocodile stock market which i for sure abused to no end when i was in the game  
DIRK: Yeah I...  
DIRK: I guess I don’t really know the full intricacies of this crocodile story, but if you put a gun to my head and made me choose, I’d probably say it was less noble of a cause than true love.  
DAVE: ha  
DAVE: true love  
DIRK: Fuck.  
DIRK: Sorry, that was really flippant of me.  
DIRK: I shouldn't have-  
DAVE: no its fine  
DAVE: i mean i know were still kinda kids by a lot of metrics  
DAVE: and also its not exactly like we know many people  
DAVE: neither of us has really been playin the field were not like men of the world or anything  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: id be pretty fucking ok with calling it that  
DAVE: and i know for a FACT karkat would be too i mean holy shit that is that guys grubloaf and tuber paste  
DAVE: ...  
DIRK: So did you do it?  
DIRK: Stop time, I mean.  
DAVE: naw karkat talked me out of it  
DIRK: Oh.  
DAVE: said we didnt know what kind of repercussions it could have itd be unconscionably selfish of us to put the whole timeline at risk like that just so we could extend a trip we pretty much constantly complained about for being too long  
DAVE: you know yada yada incredibly noble and kind and just all around best person ever shit to say  
DIRK: He sounds really great.  
DAVE: yeah he is  
DAVE: i mean full disclosure when he said all this stuff it took the form of this big gigantic shitfit  
DAVE: he was marchin up and down swearing at me just generally tearin me a new asshole and back  
DAVE: when they inevitably make the biopic of all this someday and give the reincarnated clone of troll tom hanks that speech its prolly gonna be way more dignified and also family friendly  
DIRK: Gotta sell those tickets.  
DAVE: truth  
DAVE: sigh  
DAVE: so in the end we just stayed up as late as we could  
DAVE: eventually we both passed out which is probably for the best i havent actually been up for the last 40 hours or anything  
DAVE: thats good i dont wanna be like fallin asleep mid sword swing wow what an impossibly lame way to die  
DAVE: but yeah  
DAVE: i guess the moral of this story is  
DAVE: im a little bit pissed off  
DIRK: At Karkat?  
DAVE: no no way he was right it was a dumb plan  
DAVE: im just pissed because its pretty much guaranteed  
DAVE: like it is literally written in the fucking stars  
DAVE: that im gonna have to do some serious time shenanigans in this big final fight  
DAVE: like why the fuck else would i even have these powers what even was the point otherwise  
DAVE: and like  
DAVE: i hate that i have to use them for this bullshit i desperately dont want to do  
DAVE: but i couldnt use them for the thing i really desperately did want to do  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: shit im so sorry i am just rambling my ass off here  
DIRK: No, it’s fine!  
DAVE: i mean youve maybe started to pick up on that about me like if i get the chance i can really start goin id like to say its only when im nervous but honestly its also when im relaxed or sad or hungry or bored  
DAVE: but this time i actually am mostly incredibly nervous  
DIRK: You’re worried about him?  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: yeah  
DIRK: What’s he doing?  
DIRK: What’s his role in this whole apparently meticulously crafted division of labor web?  
DAVE: hes goin to talk to echidna  
DAVE: the big mac daddy of denizens  
DAVE: apparently she asked for him special  
DIRK: That sounds... important.  
DAVE: haha thats a real diplomatic answer if i ever heard one  
DIRK: Oh god, I didn't mean-  
DAVE: no seriously youre good  
DAVE: i have no clue what that could all be about  
DAVE: but i have to assume it actually is really important  
DAVE: all i know is im so unbelievably glad hes off bein an envoy to a giant worm or whatever  
DAVE: and not fighting  
DAVE: i mean maybe thats unfair of me trolls were apparently bred for the fuckin battlefield  
DAVE: and even if they werent i should really trust him to handle himself i owe him that  
DAVE: but like  
DAVE: im just really happy that im the one fighting and not him  
DAVE: which is totally unfair because by this logic by the rule of reciprocity or whatever the fuck that probably means hes like doubly worried about me  
DAVE: so this is actually incredibly selfish of me  
DIRK: I think I get that.  
DAVE: yeah?  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: I’ve always been very much about the idea of taking on responsibility for my friends.  
DIRK: Controlling the narrative.  
DIRK: Whatever you want to call it.  
DIRK: I liked to pretend that I was sacrificing myself.  
DIRK: Shouldering my friends’ burdens and making things easier on them.  
DIRK: But in the end I think I was just being selfish.  
DIRK: Because it really just meant I didn't trust anybody else to do it right.  
DAVE: no offense dude but i donno if this is an exact analog  
DAVE: i mean dont get me wrong i can definitely see the parallels  
DAVE: but this time were literally in a physical fight for our lives  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: Right.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Does it help that when I did all that stuff I mentioned, I was usually holding a sword?  
DAVE: ahhaa yeah it kinda does actually  
DIRK: No, but I guess what I’m trying to get at is...  
DIRK: My friends are all off doing who the fuck knows what in this big fight for our lives, as you called it, and for the first time I don’t have a firm handle on what they’re doing, or how to keep them safe.  
DIRK: I just have to trust them, and I’m not used to that.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: It’s honestly pretty terrifying.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: right  
DAVE: shit im sorry here i am rambling on and on about how fucking jazzed i am that karkats not in any immediate physical danger  
DAVE: but obviously thats just because all your friends are instead  
DAVE: fuck  
DIRK: No, don’t-  
DIRK: You’ve got friends fighting, too.  
DIRK: _More_ , in fact, what with all the trolls.  
DIRK: And on top of that you also have someone you really love, and who loves you back.  
DAVE: uh  
DIRK: Fuck.  
DIRK: This is so stupid.  
DIRK: This isn’t some kind of who has more emotionally riding on this fight grand prix.  
DAVE: yeah seriously what were we thinking  
DIRK: No idea.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: So Karkat’s on a big diplomatic mission.  
DAVE: yeah with kanaya  
DIRK: She’s the troll who was with Rose, right?  
DAVE: yeah theyre matesprits  
DAVE: oh fuck  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: i dont know if im like stealing this from rose  
DAVE: or like  
DAVE: outing her or something  
DAVE: man this is a moot point i guess you can probably pretty much completely get just from context what the deal is there huh  
DAVE: like im tryna be all tactful and shit but in the process completely beefing it tact wise like i am just faceplanting into this conversation  
DIRK: I mean,  
DIRK: Rose introduced her to me as her matesprit.  
DAVE: oh  
DIRK: So I kind of put two and two together and took that to mean that they’re matesprits.  
DAVE: ahahaha  
DAVE: the master of deduction in action  
DIRK: Critics are saying I’m like Sherlock with worse social skills.  
DAVE: bahahahahaha  
DIRK: So Rose is...  
DAVE: gay  
DIRK: Well I was actually going to say my daughter but-  
DAVE: oh fuck  
DIRK: Uh.  
DIRK: Sure.  
DAVE: ahaha holy shit  
DAVE: you were treading some deep sentimental familial waters there and i just fuckin cannonballed on top of it with a big pool noodle  
DIRK: What does the pool noodle represent here exactly?  
DAVE: oh my god dude are you kidding  
DAVE: rose is DEFINITELY your daughter put the paternity test away this is way more accurate  
DIRK: ??  
DAVE: dont worry about it when all this is over just watch rose and me talk for 5 minutes youll get it  
DIRK: Okay.  
DIRK: That sounds nice.  
DAVE: yeah it does  
DAVE: we can just have a big family jam sesh  
DAVE: shit you already got two kids thrust on you out of nowhere  
DAVE: one of whom is also kind of simultaneously your own absentee father  
DAVE: but surprise on top of that turns out you also got two trolls-in-law  
DIRK: Wow. I guess I do.  
DAVE: i mean damn if earth still existed this woulda been the most watched maury episode of all time  
DIRK: Just wait for the big reveal that I didn’t actually meet your mom in person until five months ago.  
DAVE: holy fuck thats gotta come after the second commercial break  
DIRK: At least.  
DAVE: actually you did meet once before  
DIRK: Oh shit, that’s right. When we were all babies.  
DAVE: yeah when your ex boyfriends son accidentally cloned us all into existence  
DIRK: In an alternate universe.  
DAVE: which itself was made by my boyfriend  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Which commercial break is that?  
DAVE: man i donno like 50 at least  
DIRK: That makes sense.  
DIRK: This is gonna have to be a weeklong exposé, minimum.  
DAVE: oh for sure  
DAVE: maury was mauled to death and eaten by the audience on the second day  
DAVE: his own bizarro same age ecto babys running the show now  
DIRK: Haha!  
DIRK: Actually, it’s funny you should bring that up.  
DAVE: you mean rioting cannibal daytime tv audiences  
DIRK: Rioting cannibal daytime tv audiences is _exactly_ what I mean.  
DAVE: cool thought so  
DAVE: why  
DIRK: Just because from what little I’ve learned so far about you and Rose, it sounds like you’re both really well adjusted.  
DAVE: oh man well adjusted  
DAVE: i do not know if id be throwin that word around willy nilly  
DAVE: that might be a serious overreach dude  
DIRK: Okay yeah, maybe that’s unfair given the weird as fuck circumstances.  
DIRK: I just mean it sounds like you guys have these happy and supportive relationships.  
DIRK: You don’t have any weird uncomfortable romantic n-drangles.  
DAVE: i take it your group has hells of n-drangles  
DIRK: We have got _hells_ of n-drangles.  
DIRK: It’s... kind of a whole giant fucking mess.  
DAVE: well shit i dont wanna act like this is a competition or anything  
DAVE: but if it makes you feel any better  
DAVE: apparently a half bird version of me dated jakes grandma in a doomed timeline so  
DIRK: Hahahaha!  
DIRK: Really?  
DAVE: thats what ive been told  
DIRK: Wow.  
DIRK: Okay, maybe I misjudged you guys.  
DAVE: hell yeah yall think youre so cool you got nothin on us and our bizarre romance clusterfucks  
DIRK: But that wasn’t you.  
DAVE: naw that was bird me  
DAVE: who i guess is just plain dead in our timeline  
DAVE: ...boy thats a whole thing  
DIRK: Yeah, I guess it is.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: So I’m starting to remember that there was actually a question that launched this whole big tangent.  
DAVE: oh yeah  
DIRK: A question that never got an answer.  
DIRK: And that’s a damn shame.  
DAVE: i mean you dont actually have to answer it if you dont want to  
DAVE: i guess i was just curious  
DAVE: if you had any  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: insight  
DIRK: Into how to tell your friends.  
DAVE: yeah  
DIRK: That you’re into dudes.  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: right?  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: i didnt like  
DAVE: somehow weirdly completely misjudge the situation here did i  
DAVE: cuz i really kind of got the impression  
DAVE: um  
DIRK: No no, chill out.  
DIRK: You got it right.  
DIRK: I’m gay.  
DAVE: ok phew  
DAVE: haha thats a good comin out reaction right there thats what im lookin for just an audible sigh of relief  
DAVE: thank fuckin GOD this dude is gay wow thats a load off my mind  
DIRK: Um.  
DAVE: sorry  
DAVE: go on  
DIRK: Okay, the thing is though...  
DIRK: I’m not sure if I’m actually the best role model here or anything.  
DIRK: You’ve gotta remember, I grew up in a world conquered by trolls.  
DIRK: And as I’m sure you’ve gathered hanging out with them for the past three years, “gay” isn’t exactly a word in their vocabulary.  
DAVE: ahaha oh yeah i have been made acutely aware dont you worry  
DIRK: Yeah, exactly.  
DIRK: But I was also influenced a lot by human media from the 20'th and early 21’st century.  
DIRK: I don’t know how different your iteration of Earth was, but I got a... pretty different message there.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: i think i know what you mean  
DAVE: i guess they were probably relatively similar  
DAVE: juggalos notwithstanding  
DIRK: Yeah so, between these two really conflicting takes, it was definitely easier to just embrace my own third take.  
DIRK: That I am what I am, and that’s fine.  
DIRK: I don’t need a name for it.  
DAVE: not gonna lie that sounds pretty fuckin badass  
DIRK: Yeah well.  
DIRK: On paper it definitely is.  
DIRK: And maybe in the hands of somebody else, that badassery might have persisted.  
DIRK: But in practice, it got a little muddier, because I pretty much just decided that meant I didn't need to tell anyone.  
DAVE: i donno that still sounds fine  
DIRK: Yeah, but it resulted in Jake only finding out for sure when I asked him out.  
DAVE: oh  
DIRK: And Jane only found out because _she_ wanted to ask Jake out, and instead had to watch him make out with my severed head.  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: what  
DIRK: It’s a whole thing.  
DAVE: i sure hope so dude  
DIRK: Let’s just finish this train of thought first.  
DAVE: sure fine but if one of us dies here today and i never get to hear that story i am gonna be so pissed  
DIRK: Man, there are a lot of people who could tell you that fuckin’ story.  
DIRK: Don’t worry.  
DAVE: ok  
DIRK: Oh yeah, and Roxy found out way earlier, but that’s because _she_ asked _me_ out, and I couldn’t let her down without a legitimate reason.  
DAVE: goddamn  
DIRK: Yeah, remember that n-drangle clusterfuck I mentioned earlier?  
DAVE: guess you werent just talkin a big game  
DIRK: I mean nobody was half bird, but...  
DIRK: Anyway, yeah.  
DIRK: If you want a blueprint for how _not_ to handle things,  
DIRK: I guess my experience would be a pretty good place to start.  
DIRK: Like I said, it seems like you have a good handle on where you’re at with your relationship.  
DIRK: Way more than I ever fuckin’ did.  
DAVE: yeah i mean karkat and i are cool im not worried about that  
DIRK: I don’t know... maybe that’s all that matters.  
DAVE: maybe  
DAVE: im for sure not lookin forward to it tho  
DAVE: there may or may not be n-drangles involved  
DIRK: Those devious fuckin’ n-drangles.  
DAVE: shit is so devious  
DIRK: Well if you ever want more advice from a total fucking disaster from the post-human-sexuality future with one absolute trainwreck of a relationship under his belt,  
DIRK: I’m free.  
DAVE: hahaha  
DAVE: dude i know youre tryna be all self deprecating here  
DAVE: but that is actually way more reassuring than you think it is  
DIRK: Yeah?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: so uh  
DAVE: thanks  
DAVE: i may actually take you up on that  
DIRK: Awesome.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: awesome  



End file.
